Sunday without much of a Sun

Spent the entire day at home watching vcd and playing game. Ultimately unhappening. But what to do, I don't feel like going out anyway and also wanna save money so staying home isn't such a bad idea afterall.
Was amazed by how janice didn't give me one tight slap and just ignore me forever. Sometimes when i put myself in her shoes, I think I do deserve one times jialat jialat from her cos i LOOK like i am crazy. But well, I am aware of how i appear through my actions but come on, we are all adults and we know there is nothing to be paiseh about daring to be frank. Afterall, should have known each other well enough. If 'mian zhi' is preventing anyone from showing his or her true self and more impirtantly speaking up, something ought to be wrong in the friendship. Hmm...am i making sense here?
And talking about one times jialat jialat, I think 'rain...(psst got a typo just now and typed 'train haha) haiz. End up staying up talking to her.ok ok. I admit that 'I don't feel like talking to you' is one big blatant lie which is really quite obvious. It all boils down to the same old thing. Xing Suan. Thats why i don't want to. But well, I would really love to have her around. Even though thats a highly self-fish thought. Gosh. And i also know what I am risking. Trying to stay away from someone I don't really want to. There is this ever potent possibility that the person will be gone from my life for good and when that day comes I will regret it. But again....haiz. Beginning to not understand myself again. Think I just need some time to think.
Yes of course. I know this sounds real odd. Why is it that I am always talking about girls? Look at it another way. Why am i always talking about this few friends of mine. Just so happens that they are girls. It doesn't mean much really. Of my circle of close friends. Name reuben guojun `rain janice. Those who always keep me longing for and who occupies me are well the two of them. Why? Because I ain't really connected to them in a sense. Contrary to how Me wong and reuben are forever keeping in tune with each other's life. Everything is clear. There is nothing to think about, nothing to question. But well, `rain is overseas and circumstance (psst...the same old stupid word again) kinda makes things complicated. Think of how in those days, she was just like ben and wong. It's different now. And so is the same for janice. Busy as we are, there isn't much of a communication here. And with that misconceptions arise.Thankfully we see things the same way.
Guess that pretty much explains why i am always talking and thinking about the 2 of them. Wonder why I suddenly speak my mind in my blog? haha. Cos I need to get frank and explain myself to myself as well. Now i know why. Wah good thing my good brothers are around and we are still very much connected.If not, I guess i would be talking about them so much people start to think I am gay. Haha. So now, my dear `rain. You know why I look at you with those "grrg...you sure!" eyes when you say I am Bu....forget it.
Take care my good friends. To all of you, cheers. My gin tonic rocks.heh

SunTime

Had a great day at sentosa.Island life love it. The sea swipes upon the white sand as the early afternoon sun blisters upon my back. He shouts "Ball" as he serves, and it volleys into our court. I bent low, reached out and dig. Ray sets and mark spikes. Point. Service over. Beach volley, ever enjoyable. The scorching sun, murmuring waves, the 'tud-tud' of balls and the babes striding the beach in their red-hot bikinis add up to an all relaxing afternoon. This is life. Enjoyment after a week of "heart work".
Went out with Wong and ah Ben as usual for a stay-out-late-saturday-night-movie. Caught 'The sea inside' just a few hours back. It such a complete film that dwells so deeply into the debate about euthanasia that there is nothing more to comment after the movie. Quite impressive and touching.
Not really in the mood to blog though. Somehow 'rain~ is online but i simply don't feel like talking to her. Not that I am avoiding her or anything. Rather, its an attempt to use work and piority as a distraction from Kelvin knows what.Don't get the wrong idea `rain, I am not angry with you or anything.
geez. This sucks. Don't feel like blogging anymore.

Dead Boy's Poem

"If you read this line, remember not the hand that wrote it
Remember only the verse, songmaker`s cry, the one without tears
For I`ve given this its strength and it has become my only strength.
Comforting home, mother`s lap, chance for immortality
Where being wanted became a thrill I never knew
The sweet piano writing down my life"

"Teach me passion for I fear it`s gone
Show me love, hold the lorn
So much more I wanted to give to the ones who love me
I`m sorry Time will tell (this bitter farewell)
I live no more to shame nor me nor you
And you... I wish I didn`t feel for you anymore..."

"A lonely soul... An ocean soul..."

This is probably one of the best weeks i ever had. Ultimately meaningful. The way I want it. Went to Wong's Commisioning parade on Sunday. Sun glares down upon the parade square as the contigents form up in their best form, in their NUMBER 1. Full of pride, they march they sang and they recite as they turned from cadets to officers. Like butterfiles emerging from their cacoon, ready to shoulder new challenges and responsibilities. I salute everyone of you.Sir. Wish i was there, among them but i forsake the chance. Now i honour them. Met many old friends from BMT and school. And above all, i saw janice. Saw, because i turned and walk away. Courage seeps away under my feet pulling me away. Because i am afraid of being looked down upon by her. With such self pity and lack of confidence I scorn myself. But i woke up the next day feeling reborn, feeling all powerful and all egoistic once again. Why, i do not understand. Maybe because I recognise my only strength. My love. Myself. This is me, accept it. And to add on, I thank the way she talked to me real nicely the next day. Like a gentlemen, I thank this fine lady.
Highlight of the evening. Wong and his parents entrusted me to escort his cousin to the gate. Probably because there were no one else, but still, I feel honoured. I felt I was worthy of trust. Never knew she was in NJ as well. Maybe because guojun knew me "too well" before hand. But well, she is a cute girl i would say.And above all, my brother's cousin. But come on, I am of steel.
In a brief moment, I feel my head become clear. I know what I want for now as in day to day. Still my long term inspirations and goals of life are blurred, shaky and stirred. Maybe because i had side tracked for too long a time, for too much fun. Had a great week of peace. I won't say that I am avoiding girls. Rather, I say that I work only for what I want. As before. My way back commenced some time ago, probably when she left, and I am taking small steps at a time, coming back as a better person. I am. This somehow leads me to say that my handphone bill for the previous month is sky high, despite having all day free incoming. 60 bucks for 1300++sms and around 40 bucks for outgoing talktime. I feel real guilty, especially when I don't get a tongue leashing from my father.
Camp life? Great! Getting out of support coy and back to my hawk company, I feel more at home, closer to the man. Been hanging out with them much more. Going beyond the call of duty, I find myself landing in trouble and earning myself one week worth of extra duties as duty spec. Admitedly, this is no punishment at all. You all know me, I enjoy command so much I want to be with my man 24/7 teach them help them guide them F them. A mistake is a mistake, and I take it like a gentleman, like a soldier. Talk about this. Some of the man are indeed respectable. They take up ALL challenges and never shed a tear regardless of whatever sort of pain. Like real MAN. Well, I am refering to the CS smoke chamber.Went in 5 times. 3 times nothing on. Shiok. I will not end my account of camp life before i state how i cannot stand Falcon company. I think F OC has got no professionalism because he cannot differentiate between fighting for his man and cock up Falcon-biased demands. Hawk has got the morale. Today we had a run and the morale was there. We were not running like SAF NSF who have got 2 years to serve. We, the man and the commanders, were running like SOLDIERS. The fighting spirit in their eyes. The spirit of HAWK. Running pass the falcon oc, i felt like raising my middle finger.ops Guess that would really end me in some quite serious trouble.
With this short blog entry, i conclude my week. Sentosa tomorrow and yes to fulfil my ego as a gentlman, I must get a date for V day.

Bookpress

Remember that in primary school, we use to place a piece of leaf in a book. One of those interesting science homework of ours. And now, i feel like the piece of leaf. Squeezed dry of life and meaning. Incapable of performing my function on this stage called life. When have i degenerate to such a piece of living matter with no substance within.
So here i am, down with the disease called boredom that plagues the mind. Causing it to lose grip of itself. But boredom originates from a lack of interest itself. The same thing may seem boring to one and yet fun to another. And so, whats causing this lack of interest.Meaning? Purpose? Or both.I use to take pride and praise myself for being focused. Always working for a purpose to achieve what i want in order to keep things in place and make life meaningful. But right now, its all different. Yes there is still meaning in my life. These days, meaning spur out of a random and chaotic assortment of incidents and events. Each carrying its own value, contributing to a greater purpose. And i know i am learning. But such means of learning does come with a price.Feelings.

What your heart desires, your mind forbids.
What you decide to achieve often end up as futile attempts
What you try to avoid keeps coming up to you.

Face it. Tear down this colourful backdrop of the stage called life.
Smell the perspiration and feel the tireness.
Drink the blood and feel the pain.
Taste the tears and feel the sorrow.
Feel the wrath and succumb to the fury.
Face it when you near the end.
Burn upon this curse by the name of reality

~I guess i am simply no longer myself~

Life is but a candle that burns till its wick runs dry. And when your hour is up, you die off in but a mere whimper amongst countless others that still burn on. Quiet and forgotten.
Yet.
In this world forged by myself in which i am the only one.
When my flame dies off.
Light is shut out
pure darkness is born
darkness reborns upon the death of an innocent sigma of light.

~AM i still this strong? Or is this just anothe one of my fantasy~

Respectus commandus.

Been one week since i last bloggd. Somehow, the week seem to fly by. Was actually quite shock to learn that it is already 21 days into the new year.3 weeks back, i spent the day at wong's house. 2 weeks back at shuqi house. Last week, was out with my 2 good brothers. And so here i am again with things to share from the past week.
Prayed for my grandfather on monday and so took leave. Had my first test of X.O. and it rocks. can't imagine that one bottle cost almost $200. Heh Heh. Free drink somemore. Whoa. And then went to town with my 2 cousins to shop on a good monday afternoon. Being in town on weekdays sure feels different. To add on to that, thats the first time i was out with my cousins. Amazing? Maybe.
And on to camp for an expected short week. 3 days haha. Tuesday was almost a totally relax do nothing day except for close combat bugi stick fighting. Got whooped by my friend lost balance an fell twice. Super disgrace, especially infront of my man. And then went to do some OVM check. Was having much difficulty in trying to wake up one of my man's idea. But haiz. It made me wonder:Why work so hard and put in such enthusiasm in army when there is a sardin can full of useless people doing nothing, having a can't be bothered attitude. Command and man alike. And so i pondered. Till no, no conclusion. Whatever. Just do what i like-command and control-With one thing in mind. That is, to earn the respect of my man.
Went outfield early tuesday morning. Very impressed that all my man were obediently punctual that morning. Maybe and hopefully because what i told them inspired them. Not egoistic here. Just being frank about what i hope to achieve.Went out to TVMA and did a real cool battle course. SBC never felt that great before. Maybe because for once, the HMG was firing well. But sadly, there wasn't much available for me to fire. Went on to do some covert ops after that. Was planning to do 3 covert exercises for that night.....psst....planned by me.
Ex Gypsy: Movement from resting area to gedong camp. Objective is to infiltrate the camp.
Ex Jukebox: Play around with the guards on duty, go to every prowler checkpoint and plant a dummy C4 charge. Will get charged if I get caught. But that will be a once in a lifetime experience. Imagine infiltrating a military camp under the cloak of darkness. Guards with live ammunition prowling the area with no idea who you are. Will probably take me as terrorist and start firing at me while alerting the guard room. Realism is a full 100%. Only know of one other unit that does that. The SOF. And come on, with my outfit that day, I could have easily smoked my way through as an SOF member if caught.
Ex Shellshock: Escape and evasion back to rest area.

~Well. Of course I won't be doing that alone. Got a friend to do it with me.~

And so the outcome. Spent an hour doing an additional recee ops in the DAY. Volvo axis was booming with rovers, tonners, Light strikes, lorries, Broncos, Bxs. You name it. There is at least 3 active units going around in that area. For that one hour, we skirted along the axis around the camp trying to find a possible infiltration point for Ex Gypsy. Encountered at least 20 vehicles and 3 guards. None spotted us. Concealment IS exciting. And so we found an plan a route of entrace plus backup plan. Ready for the night.

And then went to ATC training shed where we saw some infantry lookalike kids who looked damn inexperienced doing tactical movement. So 4 of us gathered and did movement in the opposite direction. In an attempt to stun them with our all so pro 4 3sgt group movement, we end up taking cover just beside the road. Vegetation was tall but sparse. Rather open but only a few managed to spot us.Camoflage IS exciting.`Repeat. Turn out they are guards and they were quite impressed. We did nothing though.

And on to thursday. Earn the respect of my friend's driver. He used to show attitude and turn a white eye to me when i F him. Guess what happened. It came to a point in which he automatically did stuff for me and shock me. What really touch my heart for the first time as a sgt is when he brought me lunch personally. His VC-my friend- was quite @##$@$%^@ for a moment. Haha. Earn his respect? I hope so. F coy commanders pissed me off.
1.Tried ordering me around when he is of the same rank. Rich? So what. This is the army.
2. Shouted at me, ask my man to do their sai gang. Balls to you.
3. Cock PS Scolded us like we were man while he was lying down. Infront of all the man.
Some kind of commander.Spit.

Went back to camp and fought hard to fight for the man to book out early. Some complained because a few booked out earlier. And i personally gave them a piece of my mind about integrity. They all fell silent. Couldn't be bothered to book out anyway. So the few of us stayed back and book out only this morning.

Went to orchard to watch Alfie which is an inspiring movie. Orchard itself was a show. A feast for the eyes. Yet, civilian life isn't all that good. It lacked the momentum of life. Simply made me face the reality of missing someone. Haiz....Don't want to always talk about her when I blog. But somehow, she is always on my mind. Made a decision. Though i recognise the fact that someday we will drift apart and become friends IN NAME. I just wanna standby her all the way. When the time comes and I become something extra and worthy of discard. Let it be. At least till that day, I know and she knows that i will be with her at every single moment.Not trying to be wei da. It simply makes me feel at peace with myself. Because thats something that i want to do. For her. For myself. For friendship. For love.

~Such a power statement should mark the ending of this entry~

23:48

Grrg, this is definitely not the way that I should be. Its 2348, and I am online for no constructive purpose. Just waiting. Waiting for someone to pop by so i can say HI how are you doing? And then smoke out again. I think its due time i start being a guy and stop dwelling in self pity sighing every 37.5 secs like a gayshit who has no control over his own feelings. Come on. Kelvin. Stop being a wussy!!!!!

clock ticks away

Life seeps away. Unstoppable. We are all clocks ticking away, bounded by a dark ending.Spent one day of my life playing game and watching TV. Didn't go out at all. But well, at least the day started off well. One ABG plus arty and air support took out 3 enemy base with minimal losses. Victory in an unreal world.Cheers.Enough of gaming. Its time to wake up.
Haiz...why am i feeling all so lonely again. Hate the feeling of missing someone.Tried contacting my dear friend yesterday and today but no replies. Ok fair. I didn't reply for almost 3 days. Its the unswayed firmess of Kelvin that makes me all great. Missing someone is normal. Soon, i will get over it. Soon. Hope you are enjoying life over there. Wish I was the one there with you instead. Circumstances. Something i haven't been able to manipulate.
Here i apologise to you yuwen.(Ben you know what to do) Well, i am tempted really tempted by what has been offered. But, as Wong puts it, doing so is immature, self-fish, insensible, unreasonable and a waste of time. I rationalised things, hoping to find a reason to justify my act, give myself an excuse to be with you but. No. End up, you will probably get hurt.Simple I am not into getting people hurt. psst. I thought kelvin believes only in his benefit.

Arg, broke my own rule, started to give a damn.

Well, maybe I didn't. Maybe I have other reasons not to commit. Wong should know. I believe i just figured myself out. Good to have Wong around. A mirror to speak my mind.

Where's the strength?

Good day. Went out with wong and ben to bugis then to orchard. Finally fulfilled my wish of getting a new wallet and a new shirt. Yeah!! Gotta save it for CNY. Met a number of my man and some friends too. Among them, an ever good looking sec school friends of mine. Makes me wonder why people-guys and girls alike tend to look better after JC. Spent the entire bus ride talking about friends who have drifted away from my life. And this is the reality of life which i have been talking about.Reality as reality itself.
Watch a very very good show. A ton image. This is not an attempt to boost my ego but i believe people who know me wong and ben well should know that we are the type who would laugh at cliche attempts to bring across horror and gore in movies. This show is a psychological horror movie. And it left the three of us disturbed,shaken and probably scared. Trust me, this is not for the faint of heart. Neither is it for the mediocre. Throughtout the movie, we just kept thinking and trying to figure out the suspense and significance of subtle elements of the movie. And just when you got things cleared, a twist pops by. The ending never crossed our mind. So if you are the type who will pay much thought to movies and appreciate them as artistic pieces of literature, this movie is for you. It isn't all thought provoking but you gotta think to understand and appreciate it. With that, you will see why even the 3 of us felt really disturbed.
And Guojun woke me up. Yes. I shouldn't engage in what I do not believe in. What i am trying to do is to bridge a gap. Someone to fill a gap, someone to keep me company. Yes Wong is right out of convinience, i am doing this.But mark me, it is not true that i do not have to strength to stand up and fight for myself... In my point of view, i am stronger than you. Your rationale isn't all correct.Why i agreed, because I wanted someone as well. And so after i agreed to it, I don't feel comfortable. I didn't understand my wants. And now i disagree with my actions. And i stand up against it. In all my strength, I do not need someone to fill in the Gap for me to go on. I can cross it ON MY OWN.Yes i know i miss her though.But i can live on. Thats what makes me KTG. HAHA. Guojun, don't underestimate me. I thank you though for initiating me.
And something else that really spoilt my day. I don't understand how a mother can scream at her daughter out of sheer self interest. Don't wish to dwell into the details. BUt trust me she is sick. The day she dies will have me spit upon her grave and say, "In all due respect, I despise you." And now she is here complaining. With tears. I despise her to the extend that not even her blood will move me. And for that, I despise my origin as well. I am sorry for myself because I have half of what makes her.Sick.Psst.

Ops Elastika

Come on stretch me. This week hasn't really been that great.Why? Search me... The guys in camp are getting slightly out of hand these days. Hard to control them, but luckily as the week proceed on and crisis surfaced, they somehow managed to get motivated and work together. Marc Yoong is truly inspiration. Never seen a commander like him. I idolised him since day one. And now, he is fighting for us. I quote him "Tomorrow we gonna fight a war. We only have 2 hrs. We up one more vehicle and we go fight with the BWO for the weekend." Simple words that sends surge of energy and motivation down every single on's spine, giving us a reason to push ourselves to the limits.
And so we fought. And in a few hours, we up 2 more vehicles and had 5 vehicles in our company ready to move out. -prelude: Monday, Camoflage Vehicle lessons...Vehciles all prepared and ready to move out. And yet the BWO denied us the right to move out, giving us another set of vehicles. Those vehicles he gave were down. Come on. Rank blinds one of his senses?My vehicle is all good and i can't move out. Conclusion. He is the worst officer i ever seen.BWO.-
I have been rather distracted, distracted by the fact that someone so dear to me has left. I knew i would be sad and so i asked for time to stay away and cool off. And i did. Thats why i dis not reply. Not because i wanted to ignore. Hope you understand. And hearing from you this afternoon does makes me feel sad. Like there was something rubbing down on my naked heart. And yes, i believe in being vocal. So i will tell you the other part of the reason. Other than protecting myself from saddness, this period of time without me around should prove better for you to discover what you really want. To admit, i believe you can find happiness more easily without my intereference. But of cos, being omni present -heehee- i will be around when you need me. SO lets just give me, and say...let me give you some time and space. Both will be happy. COme to realise, it all boils down to the fact that i love myself much more than anythign else....hmm....finally me again.
And yesterday had Wen asked of me. SOmething i do not believe in. What risk am i taking. Engaging on something based upon a philosophy that i do not believe.Believe. Believe. How important is that really?
Oh ya and there was the single most happening event i had for a long time. The company BBQ. Real cool. To see the man come up with their respective stunts. Throwing every single one of us into the air. Haha. Never seen them that happy before. And i was happy too. Cos it allowed me as a VC to bridge my gap with the section. Drank a little, and witness marc wong drunk. haha. Interesting. COme on. Who said army life sucks. I beg to differ. Having been a soldier for exactly one year, i found army amazing..

Ops Desert Eagle

Waho, what a great day. Woke up early in the morning to play game then watched some vcds that i just bought. Theb went for lanning session with friends. Cool. Really enjoyed myself. Totally immersed in nothing but pure fun. What can be better. Didn't get to go out with Ben and Wong together this week but, aiya, brother brother. Getting pay tomorrow. Can finally but the stuff that i have been dying to get.
Yup gotta go book in in 20 mins or something. Today duty spec no choic. And talking abt this, i guess i simply enjoy talking about Respectus Commandus with Wong. Somehow he thought i am a not bad commander. Haha ego boost indeed. But i rather say that i am doing what I think is right. And i realised that Wong's house have half a shelf of military related books. I think he should just go sign on. Wonder whats up ahead in the coming week.For me, Uncertainty means the days ahead are for me to forge and dictate. Yeah!

=The desert eagle soars alone, having a clear view of the world. He alone knows what he is looking for and zooms in upon what he wants.He is sharp, swift and decisive=

Hm....Write again.

Some evaluation: I think my blog is a little too personal. But come on who cares. It a personal thing.What you think doesn't really matter. Its not within my circle of concern. Haha Haven't said that in Kelvin knows how long. Wah damn high now. Today was a humble and heartfelt day.Which had a touchy and feel great ending. A day i will remember for life. How come guojun's english seems much cooler than mine. SHould brush up and start writing power statements.

~what i do matters more than what you think~

FreeHeart

Right now, i am feeling like a freeman. As if something has been lifted from my heart and i am no longer tied down by feelings and emotions and longing for.I feel like the old Kelvin again.Like how no one can affect my emotions again.
I have never been so frank with anyone before.Was sitting there watching TV with you. But like old times, i don't speak well and so this special way of talking with you.I meant every single word i said. And this is something i won't regret. Come on, its human nature to love and yearn to be loved. But its the power of Kelvin to believe in rational acts over emotions.Like i told you, i dream of having a future with you but i do not want to be bound by the harshness of present circumstances. Thats why i won't jio you. I want to be with you but not now. IN the future, maybe?I won't stay single and wait. Haha come on thats not me.Because knowing you, the next time you come back, you will be attached already-too easily swayed. Trust me. For the third time. What i say always comes true.What i want seems unrealistic but its rational. Think about it.And. At the same time, you know full well that i will welcome you into a romantic realm in my life at anytime. Why do i dare to say that? Because you of all people know that we together will make a great couple. Because lasting romance is always based upon strong friendship. Think about that as well.
But really something i want to say and i hope you understand. First impression of gerard and already i don't really like him.Think from a guy's perspective for once. Considering our strong bond and the amount we have gone through. And considering what i think about him.I really won't feel good knowing that you actually fell for him. Hmm... Like i guessed, spending time alone in a foreign land with a guy works magic. Just like newly weds. Sweet, wonderful and no responsibilities.Well its your choice in the the path of life and i being myself will not intervene. As you know me, I don't like to poke into other peoples business.
Soon, it will be back to the days of not having shuqi around.Well, guojun just helped me explain why i suddenly feel so free again. Because there will be no more emotional strains on me. No more thinking of scenarios.Whao, i feel damn powerful now. Feeling all great even though i know that someone i love is happily spending everyday with her lover which i do not like. Arrh yes...the feeling of being me again.Yup, thats 2 other reasons why i won't be waiting.
As such i reveal and untold new year resolution i set on 010104 when i was at the beach with you. To get in touch with my emotions. And so i did, enjoyed the happiness of longing for, the sadness of disappointment, the anger of jealousy. And now i am back to myself. With me, the lessons i have learnt and the true emotional control that i yearn to achieve. I thank you my dearest friend(don't mind i continue to call you my dear cos you have always been).
Let me stay alone this 2 days because i will be sad when you leave. And nope i will never abandon you and i will always be there for you as it has always been. Remember what i told you and trust me. Well but should you end up like another weisong, haha, i won't be like reuben. Because i have told told you thats its foolish to act that way. Such will only show that you either can't trust or can't learn. Hmm, thats what makes Kelvin stand out from the crowd.
Ok, goodbye again and take care. Remember my last 3 spoken words to you.

~Welcome back Kelvin~Enjoy the feast but beware the beast~

Wong just told me about how happy he is as commisioning nears. And i can feel his joy. Come on dude, stop saying that i am a good sgt. Makes me proud. And you will be a good officer.

EX Braveheart

Hmm, haven't got the chance to come online for like 2 days i guess? This blogging thing is indeed interesting, lets me express myself in a new way.But now i am beginning to wonder. Am i writing so that hopefully there is someone reading? Or simply as a chronicle. The Chornicles of The Great. Haha.
Went outfield yeaterday for section battle course. COOL. EX Braveheart isn't really the name la, just something i gave for double meaning. Did night battle course as well.For the first time. Showed attitude to a senior spec and let him know that i am not a man!! I am also a commander. Haha. In army, really ought to stand up for yourself and not let other people oppress you. Hmm, that seems like sound advice for those who are about to enlist soon. Trust me. Its the best period of my life thus far. Nothing to worry about really. Just enjoy it.
Wah, went back to camp at 2+am, on my phone. Was counting the number of sms beeps i have. Haha 10 sms. I am simply popular la. End up. None from you my dear friend!!?? ;p *bleah* oh no, a guy doing this kind of things. Whats happening to me.hmm......*wonder wonder*
Anyway, this is where EXERCISE BRAVEHEART really starts. Hey my dear friend, you know how happy i am to see your name appear on my phone as it rings!!?? Simple things like this but...i feel real touched. and until now thats 3 calls for the day. *Hugs* Looking forward to tomorrow, been waiting to spend some real good time with you.Yet, something inside me hopes that tomorrow will never come. Because i don't really want to wait for 6 months before i can get to see you again. Its just so so so long.The previous time, i didn't really sense it cos i was actually the one leaving. Now... ... i have to stick around here, knowing that while i am doing something on monday afternoon, you are setting off in the plane. Put it simply,

~Wo Bu She De Ni Zhou~

~Ye Bu She De Jiu Zhe Yang Geng Ni Shuo Ge Zai Jian Jiu Rang Ni Zhou~

#insert: just called you and gerald is still sticking around your house.....psst.....not within my circle of concern......remember you asked me about my opinion of him?... ...oh my Kelvin how can i think like that.

Yup.One of the reason why its called exercise braveheart, is that i realised i can really really talk with you. What i mean is, there is like no barrier when i communicate with you. I just tell you how i feel and you are thankfully open minded. You know. Since you came back, there's just been so much emotion going wild in me. And it really helps when i can just tell you how i feel and things becomes beautiful. And indeed i am afraid that whats happening to reuben will happen to me.No way. My dear friend i believe that won't happen because i have faith in you.Neither will i let that happen to me.
Thinking about tomorrow, i will feel ultimately dot dot dot if our good bye is gonna be a car ride.Seems like this few days, most of my blog belongs to you.Ultimately i will need some getting use to when you leave. I will miss you surely.

Cranky day

Gish, was off to a bad start. Couldn't really handle situations well today. Kinda screwed up. Cookhouse's always full and lagging, arms skote's always slow. Different instructions crank down on me, how on earth am i suppossed to relay instructions to my man in that case. Made me look like a commander who knows nuts about whats going on. But nevermind its ok, not as if i care what the man thinks. Geez this job is challenging afterall.

Its not all this adin stuff that i am good at man. Come on thats probably not what i am interested in anyway. All i wanna do is be a section commander and lead man to fight. Look, they gonna do platoon vs platoon tomorrow on objectives sharon 1 and sharon 2. How cool. Hh...k for the uninitiated, they refer to 2 hills.

Army aside. Was talking with guojun the night before and he was telling me how much he is beginning to appreciated xiao jun. Told me that he was touched by her. Hmm. Good for him. Going on with our conversation, i kinda realised the 2 of us both learnt alot of lessons and life skills recently. The past 3 weeks was like a whole module of "relation management" for me. But trust me, i appreciated that because it makes you feel you are growing up. Cool.

Haiz...actually i am still feeling kinda blue. Can't get my mind off thinking about the future. About how things will change for you and me and the future is not as beautiful as you think. Its not as simple as saying things will still be the same. Because i will be missing a large part of you in my life.Circumstances are already changing....

~Jiang lai Ni wo jiu xiang bei shi jian ge jue~

One thing i thought i should bring up. We were discussing how people, in the face of love, tend to have the following kind of misunderstanding. Somehow, in the heat of untold love, people have this misconception that: the best thing i can do is to shorten your pain. I rather you suffer the misery of my houdini, then mislead you and hurt you even more in the future. I am considering from your perspective and this is the best for you. I am hurting right now too, feeling equally miserable but this is for your good. I rather DA all the pain today then let you suffer tomorrow.

Whats this? Heroism? Yes heroic indeed.
Consideration? yes. You rather bear the hurt alone.
There is no sarcasm in my agreement.

But crap. This is not the only situation out. For those of you out there who find this train of thought familiar, its time for you to wake up your idea. You aren't in a god forsaken movie in which such sacrifices are applauded or weeped for. Honourable yes. But brainless. The is one thing you missed out totally in your attempt to express your love through heroism. Don't you ever realism that this is STILL simply a way of escaping? Face the problem and go talk in out. What makes you think that this is a situation in which someone must GIVE it all and BEAR it all alone and someone must suffer. WAKE UP. COS THIS IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. Believe in the beauty of being open minded and talk. Spit the words out and make things clear. GIVE AND BE READY TO ACCEPT. Its all about give and take. Whack that heroic idea outta your head. No matter how messed up things seem to be, speaking the truth and being open will clear things up. And both can be happy. Don't you wish for it? A situation in which both can be happy and no one suffers. Come on, this is neither idealistic or peevish thinking. Its proven by many and many have seen it. Talking clears things up and helps.

Whats there to hide?

Reuben this is for you.The other one, you know who you are.

Dream the future.

I was walking back into camp and it was drizzling. This is what i saw. The raindrops fell like snow, drifting in the subtle wind, then ending off in a wimper. Quiet, unrecognised.

Spent half the day with shuqi. Experienced a feeling so sureal i couldn't explain.Happily being with a person, yet missing the person so much. She told me about her plans. Five yrs study, 1 yr houseman in US, work a few years in UK then come back to start a clinic. Cool. Much like my gameplan.

Its probably about thinking much, or its just a matter of coming to realise some harsh realities of life. What will we be like in 10 yrs time. We will probably not be couples ever, probably spending the rest of our lifetime with someone else. And in the backdrop of our future, we will remember the times that we once spent together. But amist the harshness of the future, of new found commitments, we will also learn that thing have simply changed, and that its not like before anymore.

NO! This is not love that i am talking about. But a question about the future. This goes out to everyone there. Is there someone beside you that you hold so dearly you want to be with him/her forever? The reality, you know things will definitely change and that saying 'let things beautifully remain the way it is now' is a dream.

Yes, i am a dreamer, a dreamwalker. When we say forever, we know that there is only one person who is capable of this. Only one person who will be with us all the way to our death bed. Then why say forever?

yes!
there is a million someone out there
a thousand beautiful episodes
a few special someone
BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS

How will this end, where is it leading to? This is not pessimism but rather a realitly so harsh i am unwilling to accept even when i talk about it. Someone once told me in the face of love to follow the path of nature and let things go on naturally.
But we are not winter snow, swayed only by the wind. We make our own decisions, DREAM our future, REALise our future.

~The difference between friendship and romance is the realisation of a future~

Where my friend, where is this leading to. 10 20 years down when you are in your mid thirties. I will see you again. Behind me will be my family. Someone i chosed to spend my life with. But what about the memories of the days we spent together. they are only as real as memories and last only as long as we were young. Families are founded upon love. Love evolves from?

~I can spend a million days in the beauty of the present but I have only one shot at forever~

My friend. Everyone yearns for a place in someone elses heart in which he will never be replaced nor forgotten. Selfish? Or just human nature? Like every father will not recognise this son to have another dad. No wife will accept another women in his husband's heart. No friend ever ONES to be just one of many.

You know who you are and you will probably deny the recognisation of reality. Jio you? A sound advise from many. Which i will not risk and will not undertake. Which i do not believe in at all. Yet i yearn to forge and hold on to a future of forever.

Forever means so much more than just a lifetime.There is only one person who will be forever in YOUR lifetime.

What have i just said? Words that can potentially change the face of everything we have now?dangerous. BUt necessary because it is so real. A new chapter may unfold as this ends. Darker or more beautiful. Circumstances will forge tomorrow and we will whimper off forgotten, quiet. Or. Man can forge tomorrow.

Damn. because this is the second time i am typing this. because this is so important. What i have just said may be wrong in some aspects cos its not original but the essences is still there.I hope i have not screwed things up. Not screwed up this friendship but rather brought some vision upon a future.When all turns bad, trust me and remember what i have taught you.Platonic relationships can only exist till the moment the word marriage surfaces in either one's life. SAD but true. You all know that.

haiz..... why is the future so harsh and real.

Grrg.

I spent so much time typing my previous post and said so much and made it so beautiful and it hanged!1!!!!

The initiation

Off for a start. A new year, a new blog. Spent the day looking for inspiration, something to look forward to, something to work towards. Wong introduced me to some heavy metal by Nightwish. really quite cool.Here's something to think about.

"I dreamt all my future. Relived my past"

19 years i have lived.But how much do i actually remember?How old are you right now?What do you remember? Those are the things that are important aren't they? Memories we hold so dearly we will bring into the future.

What will tomorrow be like?I don't know.But tomorrow is a dream for me to forge. My dream, my world, my future.

Wonder why i have been looking deep into these stuff lately. Maybe because in the past few months, i have learnt to look at things differently. Learnt to cherish the people around me in ways i never thought before. People like Wong, Ben, Shuqi. Began to cherish life, love the very fact that i am alive now, the day before and all the years that i have lived.My attitude have not been shaken, but my perspectives have evolved. Definitely.

Days seem to go by, all the same. Life in camp is stagnant, mundane, dull. Nothing new, nothing challenging, nothing to fight for. Talk about fighting spirit. tsst. Felt quite empty, as if something is missing, like there is a ditch in my heart waiting to be filled up. But i have no idea what i have been missing.Motivation?Those who know me well will remember a KTG who is objective orientated. Ever motivated, energetic, opportunistic, always waiting for a chance to pounce on and fight for a better tomorrow. Yet this is the state that i am now-low, uninspired, lethargic, Aimless.

Let me witness the beauty of the beast.